Mother's Day... Bittersweet!

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write. Life has been crazy busy, and consuming in many ways. I’m excited to start writing again and share all that God has done in the past 6 months of our journey.  But today, I want to talk about Mother’s Day.  There is a scale of emotions for women on this day: from painful, heartbroken, just general happiness, and feelings of thankfulness to feeling absolutely treasured and adored by your family.

Mother’s Day weekend is bittersweet for me. In all honesty, heavy on the bitter,  and the tiniest dab of sweet.  I yearn for what would’ve been my almost 6 month old baby to be in my arms, to see what kind of personality she would have. What would her hair look like?  I desire to feel that “my heart is melting- I am so in love” kind of feeling when rocking my baby to sleep.  However, the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Last April, the Lord took that baby away. His purpose still unknown, but our job is to continue to trust in His greater plan.

My friend shared a blog post with me that captured and described my heart down to the very word. Here’s an excerpt:

“Our church seemed unusually prolific, busting at the seams with round-bellied women and diapered toddlers. It often felt like work for me to walk into a room and see them for His beauty on them and not simply as women who knew this apparent “rite of passage” — that I couldn’t quite get. At times, this surfaced envy and at others just that thick ache of loss and all the “why, Lord?” questions that came with it. On days when I wasn’t running to Him with what surfaced, it was all easier to avoid than to face.”

To anyone who has been trying to have a baby, you probably feel that all the pregnant women in your city are most certainly stalking you.  And while they very well might be everywhere, I can now see it as a sign of hope…. If God can bless that couple with a child, (whether it was complicated or a happy surprise) He can most certainly do it in us as well.

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

…Back to Mother’s Day…

I’m excited to celebrate my wonderfully amazing Mother. She’s been more than I could ask for my entire life, and of course continues to stand right by our side through each up and down Matt and I face.  I’m excited to celebrate my mother in law, one of the sweetest MIL’s I could ever ask for.  I’m excited to celebrate my little sister, who gets to experience her first Mother’s Day with her husband and baby Caden.  I’m excited to celebrate my SIL, Miranda and the amazing momma she is to Myles and Mosley. With great sadness, I will celebrate another amazing mother Genevieve, who was like a 2^nd mother to me. She was called home just 5 short days ago, and leaves behind precious 7 year old twin boys and a hero of a husband. I know she has received her crown in heaven, and I hope she gave our sweet angel a kiss. 

Genevieve’s death was a good reminder to see that EVERYONE is struggling. Sometimes it is big, and sometimes it is small. Everyone is carrying some kind of burden that aches deep in their heart.

“On a weekend when women stand and are celebrated for that glorious mundanity which is motherhood, there are just as many sitting beside them, whose hearts are sunk. The one who lost her baby this month and the other who’s logged years — not months — trying to conceive. The mama whose husband died or isn’t around to rally those troops to celebrate her and the other who has fostered children into a forever-mama’s arms but has none, yet, of her own. The single woman who wonders, on this particular day, if femininity has to be tied to offspring, and the mother — adopting — who has no stretch marks, only paperwork, to show for her pursuit.”

So if you are a Mommy of priceless kiddos, or a proud Grandma, or a momma who has a precious angel in Heaven, or the Mommy doing it all on her own.... tomorrow I will celebrate you! Know that you are loved and cherished beyond belief. I hope you feel God’s great goodness in your life, no matter the situation you are facing.  Believe that God can and WILL do a miracle in your life. Happy Mother’s Day! 

Matt 11:29: “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Excerpts from: http://everybitterthingissweet.com/2014/05/whose-linda-will-you-be-2/

All of us at one point or another might be dealt certain cards in life that are extremely difficult, heartbreaking, and forever life changing.  For us, the last 18 months or so has been infertility.  In fact, we are one our 3rd doctor (2nd specialist)... a couple weeks ago she told us she has only seen a handful of cases as bad as mine. AWESOME! Anyways, for whatever reason this is our life right now... For others, it's the loss of loved ones, for some it's cancer.... 

I asked a sweet woman,  Brynn Rasmussen to be a guest blogger, because she has quite the story of experiencing loss and hope as she deals with some major health issues.  You might have seen her on the news a couple months back.  Read her inspiring story below. Thank you Brynn for bravely continuing to share your story!

"Change can be scary, but you know what's scarier? Allowing Fear to stop you from Growing, Evolving, & Progressing." -Mandy Hale

I wanted to start this post with one quote I hold dear to my heart & try to live by each day. I found this quote & thought it was perfect for what I was dealing with just then. On Nov 12th 2013, I underwent a double mastectomy due to my 97.5% chance of getting breast cancer. My mom, as well as my twin sister & I, are carriers of the BRCA2 gene, a genetic mutation that highly increases a woman's risk of developing both breast & ovarian cancer. My mom had breast cancer at age 35 & is currently a 19-year survivor. (Go Mom!) With being a nurse, I worked with a lot of doctors so once I found out I tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, I'd ask oncologists & different internal medicine doctors what they'd recommend. The look some of them gave me on their face was often complete fear, especially after they asked how old my mom was when she was first diagnosed. I knew I was at high risk for not only getting breast cancer, but getting it at a young age. For this reason, I thought long & hard about undergoing a double mastectomy. The one & only thing that was holding me back was I wanted to breast feed if I was ever able to have children. I was very passionate about this. I went to my OBGYN & I remember her telling me "if this is the only thing that's holding you back from having a double mastectomy, then I think you should do it now, as you seem ready to do it." She said if you take 2 babies - 1 breast fed & 1 not - there's not enough evidence that 1 baby will turn out healthier than the other. Plus, she said "what if you're not able to have kids? What if you have a child & don't produce enough milk?" Bottom line: my health was more important than wanting to breast feed. Right after I talked to her, I scheduled an appointment with both my breast surgeon & plastic surgeon. I was ready to do it with no regrets & finally have that peace of mind. A week after my surgery on November 18th, I received a (random) call from my breast surgeon. I was home alone, in quite a bit of pain, resting on the couch. She said "Brynn-are you sitting down? I have something to tell you. Your pathology report from the breast tissue we took during surgery revealed a 4mm size tumor in your left breast." I was dumbfounded. What? I have breast cancer? I thought I was doing this PREVENTATIVE. I was in complete shock for about 2 weeks. It felt weird to even TELL people I had breast cancer. I kept thinking..why me? What did I do to deserve this at 27 years old? Did I do something wrong? I thought I was healthy - I ate right, exercised, maintained a healthy weight, didn't smoke or drink excessively. My job is very stressful - which I knew stress wasn't good for my body. To make a long story short, we get dealt these cards in life & not sure why God chooses us to go through such horrible experiences - whether it's infertility, cancer, miscarriage - whatever it is! I now am undergoing 4 rounds of chemotherapy, which puts me at an increased risk for never bearing a child. Obviously my health takes priority but I've always wanted to be a mother. I try to look at the positive though and realize I'm alive & they caught it early, which is key to beating this terrible disease. Right now, I have no hair, which I lost from chemo and I have these super uncomfortable expanders in to help stretch the skin on my chest in order to prepare them for my silicone implants I'll get on March 26th. I'm looking forward to that & my hair growing back - that's for sure. There's definitely days where I don't want to show my face because I don't feel "pretty" having no boobs, no hair, I'm weak & tired. But the most important thing I've learned through all of this, is the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of relationships & support from family & friends. My attitude always determined what kind of day I would have & I wasn't going to let the side effects of chemo, or the fact that I had no boobs & no hair, stop me from living the life I wanted to live. So to all the beautiful women reading this, you are NOT ALONE in this journey of challenge & misunderstanding. Always, always stay positive & never give up hope. And most importantly, never allow fear to stop you from growing, evolving, & progressing.

Much love, Brynn Rasmussen

I'm going to start this post by saying that I only mean good by what I'm about to share. I'm praying that God will use my words for good and not evil.  If you've been reading each post you know that I've been very open about our infertility.  It saddens and amazes me with each message, comment, and email I get from women who are heartbroken and experiencing the same things we are.

The idea for this post came to me after venting with a friend going through a similar situation about all the hurtful things people say. Below is a post written about things NOT to say to couples struggling with infertility.  It’s a tough subject to talk about, because I don’t want to offend people that have said these things below. However, life is tough, and education on this issue is important.  All of these things have been said to me at least one time.  Before I go on sharing about things you shouldn't say, I’m going to share something that I said in my head once before….

A good friend and mentor of mine told me about this lady who had 3 young girls and recently miscarried with baby #4.  She had created a video blog and Terri thought it might be helpful for me to hear what she said. Now before I share what I embarrassingly thought in my head, I’m asking you not to judge me. We all have thoughts we shouldn't think.  As soon as I watched her video blog, I quickly realized how incredibly wrong I was…. SO.. I know we all want to know what I was thinking. As Terri is sharing about this amazing woman I’m thinking to myself, “that’s so sad she miscarried, but at least she already has 3 kids.” As if that somehow makes that loss easier for her and her family. WHAT?! That’s crazy talk. That night I went home and got online to watch the video. It goes without saying that her and her husband were heartbroken about their loss. I was ashamed at how I thought earlier that evening.  I share this because I don’t want to come off as I’m speaking down to anyone who’s mistakenly said one or more of these below. We've all done, thought, said stupid things that are said in efforts to make things better, but sometimes instead hurt feelings or come off as offensive.  

1. The "one upper".... My uncle's brother's wife's friend struggled for 7 years. Yours isn't that bad yet..... Purely not helpful

2. I hate being pregnant. I'm so fat.... To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a big belly. I would happily gain weight if it meant I would be pregnant. I can tell you that most women struggling have probably prayed to be fat, to have a child that doesn't sleep, a colicky baby, etc.  I know I specifically have prayed for the worst morning sickness ever. Sounds weird, right? But if I had morning sickness, then I would be pregnant.

3. You can have my kids. They make me crazy. No thanks! Please appreciate the blessings you've been given.

4. At least you can still sleep in.... What I would do to be up every 2 hours... couples wanting to get pregnant would trade any luxury to have a baby.

**Side note: I know (or can imagine) that parenting is overly exhausting and at times incredibly frustrating.  My heart is not that you can never vent/complain/feel what you're feeling, just to be careful who you share your struggles with at times. Obviously a real friendship is one where you can meet each other where each person is at. Just because one is struggling with infertility does not mean the person that is already a parent can never vent their frustrations.  I actually enjoy hearing about people's pregnancies and how things are going. I feel I do a decent job (depending on the day) of asking preggos how they're feeling, what is new in their pregnancy, etc. I just think there are times to be honest, and times to choose another person to vent to. 

5. Maybe it's not meant to be... or when the time is right. I honestly have no words for this one.

6. Have you tried gaining weight/IVF/steroids/standing on your head after sex/avoiding all grains/trying this position/etc This is a tough one, because everyone wants to give a piece of advice that they feel is pertinent and will be helpful. I know hearts are usually in the right place, but everything you've tried or thought might be helpful, we've probably already tried, done, thought of.

7. Just go on a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant

8. Just relax. Stop trying and you'll get pregnant.... I did some research and only 20% of couples with infertility have no identifiable cause. That means 80% of couples (like me and Matt) have one or more diagnosis's to deal with.  If we are to "stop trying" that could mean never having a baby.  Yes there have been people that stop trying and get pregnant. (Praise God!) but that is the exception not the rule.

9. Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant.  First of all, you don’t “just” adopt.  There’s not an adoption store down the street.

According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, "Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt, and the percentage of people who get pregnant after failed infertility treatment is even smaller. I find the notion of adopting in order to get pregnant totally unconscionable. If you want to adopt then you adopt, but you don't do it as a means of getting pregnant."

Basically any unsolicited advice can kind really hurt feelings.... Here's the thing... We know that's not your heart. It can be difficult to talk with people that are struggling in this area because a lot of people don't know what to say and just want to make you feel better. I know hearts are in the right place. That said, I hope this blog post is educational.

Things you CAN say:

1. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

2. I know I don't understand (if you don't) but know I'm here to talk if you want.

3. We're praying for you (only if you actually are) 

How can you pray for people going through infertility?

Galatians 6:2 “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”

Please pray for our physical and emotional state, keeping our marriage strong and open in communication, that we would keep Christ at the center, pray for the husband who hates seeing his wife so sad and frustrated. The list probably goes on, but those are the first that come to my mind.

Here's an example of a good text back in December after our due date.

And if it's you going through this battle, remember that GOD is the one that is bigger than any doctor, position, fertility drug, etc.  I've really had to stop and take time to soak in that truth the past couple weeks. It's so hard after each failed round, each bad ultrasound, nurses call, the list goes on.  However, that does NOT change the sovereignty of our Lord. So just as we hope that others would be careful what they say to us, remember to be careful what you say to YOU. 

"Is anything too hard for our God? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:14

I hope this helps shed a little light on things.  I know I’m probably guilty of saying some of these before I understood what people are going through in regards to infertility.  A colossal thanks to all my readers for all the support and encouragement along the way!

Keep.the.faith.

Don’t Waste Your Pain

Infertility brings a wide array of emotions. Loss, loneliness, stress, anger, despair , and constantly “on hold” are all words that Matt and I have felt over the past 15 months.  I think (in the last few months especially) that we have learned to worship God even though our hearts were breaking.  We are trying to desire God more than our desire to have a baby.  We try and pray bold prayers believing that God does wondrous miracles, and that we could very well be one of them.  2^nd Corinthians 6:10 says, “Our hearts ache, but we always have joy.  We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.”   When I read that, it gave me a new motto to follow.  Our hearts are broken, but we are trying to find joy in the journey.  What about your heart? Is it broken? Can you find JOY in the journey, despite that pain?

Back in July was our first appointment with our specialist, almost 3 months post miscarriage.  We went over things for almost an hour when she looked up and said, “Give me 18 months to get you pregnant.”  I wish I could tell you that I said something sweet and admirable.  Jaw on the floor, I’m looking at her and I said, “Nope.”  18 months? I thought she was supposed to be one of the top specialists in the country?! What in the world is going to take her 18 months?  In the end, my mom and Matt talked me off the cliff, and we decided on a course of action for getting my body right.  Through this journey, I have learned that God is good in all things.  I believe that God is sovereign over our infertility.  I believe that He was sovereign when we were losing our baby.  I know he heard our prayers sobbing, crying out to Him for mercy and a miracle when the bleeding and horrific cramping started.  It was not a surprise to God when it happened, and ultimately he used our loss for His good.

So, since we are on this road for however long it takes, I don’t want to be “wasting my pain.”  I need to remember that other women and couples out there might be able to hear my story and gather strength or hope from it. What are you going through in life?  Can you use it to bring hope or encouragement to people?  Have you privately gone through something that someone could hear about and change/learn/grow from? I’m not saying you have to start a blog and potentially let the world hear your heart and experiences.  All I’m saying is to be open to the possibility that someone in your life could be experiencing the kind of pain you once were and that your painful experience could be used to benefit someone else in the process.  Sharing your story and how you got through it could bring someone a renewed sense of hope and encouragement.

Therefore, instead of saying things like “What did I do to deserve this pain?” (Boy, am I guilty of saying irrational things like this in the middle of a meltdown) Let’s try saying, “what good is God going to bring though this?” Romans 8:28 tells us that "…all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." The next verse tells us what that purpose is. God intends for us to be conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:29) … So we know from scripture that the trial we are facing can help us to be more like Christ.

There’s no doubt that growing is painful sometimes. As I reflect on the past 12 months, 2013 has been an interesting year.  One of great joys, and great sorrows.  It wasn't my favorite year, that’s for sure! HOWEVER, I wouldn't change it, because I know the Lord is doing a mighty work in our lives, and I want to be where HE wants me. I pray that in 2014, God would give us what we ache for: a growing family.  I don’t know what that looks like…. Maybe our babies are already out there, and we will adopt. One thing I’m really going to work on is to not be swayed by my own desires.  I want to be firmly planted in what God wants for us.  The only way I can truly know that is if I go to Him; daily….constantly.  In the meantime, I’m going to take a look at my life and be thankful for everything that God has blessed us with.  We both have our health,  great jobs, a beautiful, cozy home, an amazing church, wonderful friends and family, a NEW puppy… the list goes on. 

Shameless plug: How amazingly cute is this little guy?  Teddy is 8 weeks old and we are SO in love with our little furball.  Funny how much joy a pet can bring into a home so quickly.  As we all know… we can’t wait to fill our home with little humans!!

Wishing you an amazing, fun filled SAFE New Year's Eve! Talk to you in 2014!

Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”


 “We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, “Why did this happen to me?” unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.” –Author Unknown.

Brokenness-a recipe for strength

For anyone that knows me well, knows that I used to be considered a gym rat.  Going to the gym and challenging myself 5 days a week was high up on there on my favorite things to do. I loved to lift, I loved to run, I loved to do “Crazy challenges.”  However, when you want to have a baby, in less you are extremely fertile, you have to SLOW things down.  Anything is worth it when you want to grow your family.  I went through a couple different seasons of not working out at all, to zero cardio only weights, to eating CRAP just trying to gain weight,  before our specialist truly shed some light on what was wrong. For my nosy friends, (just kidding) I'm up about 8 pounds and 5% body fat.  So here I am now, working out and trying to eat right, because that’s what is healthy and good for my body and overall being.

Let’s talk muscles a bit…  I don’t have a degree in personal training or nutrition, but I consider myself fairly knowledgeable in nutrition and training.  Most theories of muscle growth are based on the idea that lifting breaks down the muscle, and growth occurs from over-compensating to protect the body from future stress.  Our body breaks down and rebuilds muscles every 15-30 days.  Lifting speeds up this process due to an increased need for fuel.  I could go on, but hopefully you get my point. .. In order to grow in muscle size, muscles need to be strained and broken down so they can regrow.  Now, if we use this analogy in our regular lives, we can see a correlation between being broken down and gathering strength. For it’s in the breaking that we can find beauty.  It’s in the breaking that we transform.

Faith is something we can always choose to have regardless of what we see or believe.  But if we adhere to the thinking that we are being broken down, so we can be made stronger, it might make this season of (insert crappy circumstance here) a little bit easier.  It is the role of faith not to question, but to simply obey.

Let’s use our broken experiences in our lives to develop a level of unfathomable spiritual strength. I want to develop a level of strength and faith that at any moment, despite any news from the doctor that I can automatically tell myself “NO. MY GOD CAN DO ANYTHING.”

Am I there yet? Noooo.   2 weeks ago, I was a sobbing mess for a whole weekend. (My poor husband.) Sometimes things hit your heart, and it seems impossible to deal with. Nevertheless, we got through, and I think I’m making good strides along the way, and that’s all anyone can ask for.

 And if you want me to be painfully truthful, we have the example of my almost 8 month preggo sister, Kelsey.  They have their little babe due February 1^st.  What a great example of overwhelming jealousy combined with overwhelming love and happiness for her and Cody.  It’s been an interesting journey for both of us.  They got pregnant without trying about 3 weeks after we lost our baby. OUCH! I know it’s been painful for both of us.  She is going through what is supposed to be the most exciting time in their lives, and we are still grieving.  I know Kelsey felt like she couldn’t bring it up, because she didn’t want to make me sad.  I’ve really had to pray through it.  I talked all things baby when on the inside I felt like I was dying, and she’s kept  quiet when  I’m sure she is bursting with excitement on the inside.  I hope she feels I’ve handled it all with grace.   This weekend we threw her a baby shower, and I was worried about how I would handle it.  After all, I should be in the hospital or darn close.  Instead, I’m throwing my best friend a shower for her baby.  We’re not in control of what happens in our lives, but I can take rest in who is.  I know I’m being broken down to sometimes what feels like literally nothing, so God can grow me.  I’m excited and hopeful to see what will come of it.



Somehow I came across Genesis 18:14 the other day...It says, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?  I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."


WOW.  Right there, I feel an automatic increase of hope in my heart.  God is teaching me through the pain and wrestling of my heart and mind.  I'm being filled with His love WHILE being emptied by all the pain.  For those that feel empty with me, know you are not alone.  Let's build up some amazing "spiritual muscle" together!

Keep.The.Faith

“Failure vs. Success”

Sometimes we might feel like a failure when we look back at some choices we have made in our lives. Life has been sure to deal all of us many circumstances, trials, blessings, and different seasons along the way.  Some reading this might feel like season after season they are dealing with a tribulation in which their head is barely above water; you’re treading and slowly, but surely losing

Going through this long season of infertility has definitely handed me a wide range of emotions. One of them is feeling “less of a woman and a wife.”  As a woman, I was unable to do what my heart has ALWAYS longed for. When I was growing up, I didn't want to be a doctor, a teacher (though did I ADORE those years), or a veterinarian.  I wanted with all my being to be a Mommy.  Month after month of “failure” it really starts to eat at you.  How can I be a woman and not perform the most basic function of womanhood??  Thoughts would flood my mind with how much “I suck, my body sucks, why can’t I do what a woman is supposed to do, etc.” That last sentence was less than eloquent, but truthful.  Can you relate??

Then I experienced failure in my eyes as a wife. My husband and I were deeply yearning to grow our family.  All the problems and hindrances went back to me. It was my fault we were feeling all this pain and disappointment.  My body was failing in giving my husband the baby he wanted. I watched him tear up at cute videos, sweet pictures, or just a commercial with kids. (He has the most amazing heart.)  But those tears would pick at my self-worth, and I would speak wrongly to myself, which left me feeling deep feelings of inadequacy and guilt.  It’s a lot to put on yourself.  I was able to express these feelings to Matt, and while I knew the right answer in my heart, it felt good to hear him reassure me that none of this was MY fault.  We were a team, and there was no room for placing blame on myself or my body.  Matt said that we would continue to put our trust and faith in God.  Doctors are awesome. They are brilliantly smart, and they have helped us tremendously. But at the end of the day, ALL glory and honor must go to Him.

Now let’s go from failure to talking about success.  I believe to truly understand it; we need to let God help us redefine “success.”

What is success?  First, let’s look at how the world defines success.  Success by worldly standards probably includes a large, beautiful home, lots of money, an attractive spouse, fancy car, “hot” body, and prestigious job.  Success in the world could also include wealth and power in several different positions.  None of these are “bad.” I know many Christians that have beautiful homes, stunning spouses, and have been blessed financially, etc.  Here’s where I believe the catch is:  When that is all that defines you, we have a problem. Eventually all that will fade, stretch, sag, etc! You get my point J   By those standards, many of us are not a success, and therefore we consider ourselves failed.  Thankfully, God sets a different standard.  At the end of the day, things here on earth are MEANINGLESS.  Success in God’s eyes is different.   I believe that God’s heart for EVERYONE is to love and seek Him daily; and then to go out and love others.   Success is measured in following God and what HE wants for your life.  When you let God shape your perspective, there’s no such thing as failure.  Learn, grow, and let the Lord refine you as he works in your life.

Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Just as seasons are sure to change, so will your life in due time.  Nothing is forever. If your marriage is in trouble, if you’re not sure how you’re going to pay the mortgage month to month, if your teenager is out of control, if you too are desperate to grow your family… PLEASE HEAR ME.  It will not always be that way.  Does this mean we sit back and watch and wait for things to magically change? Absolutely not.  Recently, my book club read The Circle Maker.  It had a quote in there that said, “Work like it depends on you, but PRAY like it depends on God.”

As I type this, my Pandora is playing “Nothing is Wasted”  J  If you haven’t heard that song, and you’re looking for something to speak directly into your soul, click here and listen! This song spoke so strongly to me in the days following the loss of our baby. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrgmjZU1ivI

When feelings of self-doubt, guilt, failure start creeping in your mind remember this:

You are deeply loved.

1. You are not alone.
2. It’s going to be okay. 
3. You’re going to make it.

Thank you, Pastor Ty Schenzel for sharing this.  Speak this into your life each time your mind is going to a negative place.  Take care of your heart, and tell yourself (and others) this as often as need be.

SO, if you are in what seems to be the fiery pits of hell, or you are dancing on rainbows, remember it is a season. You will get through it, you will experience suffering, and you will not always be in a joyful season. I’m not being pessimistic, just being real.  Refer to John 16:33 to learn more.

Whew! Did this get long winded.  Time to wrap it up.  In the end, I want you to know that success is measured in following God and what HE wants for your life.  We all face hard times in life, but God wants us to see the good in every circumstance.  When you let God shape your perspective, there’s no such thing as failure.  Learn, grow, and let the Lord refine you as he works in your life.  I like how the band Unspoken says it in their song “Lift My Life Up”, “If I’m under fire I know it’s refining me, have your way in me” I have felt under fire for a good 14 months. I desperately want it over, but for now I will wait on the Lord. Wait with me J  God bless you!

Keep.The.Faith.

In less than 3 weeks, we would've had a baby in our arms…. That sentence is hard to type. Would’ve, should’ve…. Nothing sounds right… Below is what I wrote the weekend after losing our baby. Keep reading for an update to see where we are at in our journey now.

This past weekend, I miscarried our sweet baby. The baby that we prayed so hard for. The baby that was SO unbelievably loved from the second we saw that positive test. We spent weeks and weeks talking, dreaming, and praying for this precious life growing inside me. Most were not aware that we were pregnant, but I share this photo because I think so many women/spouses try to go through this alone, and think that this should be handled as a private matter. For a day or so I thought that too. At first I felt so stupid for even telling family and close friends that we were expecting, but over these past few days my perspective has changed, and we believe that we created a life, and that our baby’s life (though WAY too short) is one to be celebrated and praised God for. I am praying that somehow this picture or the words and scripture written below would bring some inkling of comfort to someone like it has done for me and Matt. The loss of our baby has left us beyond empty. Actually, there are no words to describe our broken hearts. Our baby was called home before we even had the chance to meet him/her. When we look at this tragedy, we know that ultimately our job is to trust God through the sadness, the anger, the broken heartedness. IT IS NOT EASY. Matt and I picture Jesus crying with us as he holds our baby, and while I would give ANYTHING to be holding my baby, I suppose there is no better place than in HIS arms. We know who God is, and that he works ALL things for His good.  

Philemon 1:12 “I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart.”

It’s inevitable when people have something that you want, you see it all the time.  New car, the latest clothes, beautiful bellies…. Pregnant women are EVERYWHERE.  (Shout out to my little sister Kelsey who is 7 months pregnant with her little man, due in February! Love him so much already!)  In all raw honesty, sometimes the jealousy is consuming. Each woman on the street has what I want, what I've been praying for, for what seems like forever… I SO hate to admit this, but each month I cringe at the new set of “We’re expecting” announcements that flood Facebook. Now before you go on thinking I’m a terrible person with a wretched heart, let me explain that I am happy for them. I pray for those little families and hope that they don’t go through a heartbreaking experience like we, and too many have also gone through.

So, what is wrong with me??? At this point, we have been with a specialist since about August, and have learned a lot about my body and WHY it doesn't work the way it should. We had surgery for my endometriosis in October, and we continue to battle with a funky case of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, along with some crazy messed up hormones!

At the end of the day, we know that GOD is in control. He is SO much bigger than the cysts, the lack of progesterone, the hormone panels, the ultrasounds….the list goes on.  You may be wondering why I’m even telling this story. Maybe you’re thinking that this is something that should be kept to myself. To that I would say, if my story brings some kind of comfort to one person then I will keep on telling this story. April 27^th will always be a day of crippling pain and grief. I remember ever ounce of it. Sadly miscarriages aren't uncommon; but it doesn't make it any less painful.  If you've experienced it, you know the pain is profound.  When you feel this pain, remember WHOSE YOU ARE. You are a child of God and you are sitting in the palm of HIS hand.

BUT our story isn't over. God willing, one day our arms will be full of happy, healthy children.  Someday, I’ll be playing with my babies, or rubbing my big belly and some sweet woman will be eyeing me, and desperately praying for what I have.  So while this story is one of loss, grieving, and sadness, I will still share it, because life isn't all about the rainbows. However God does promise rainbows at the end of the storm. If you’re reading this and your heart is aching for a sweet baby, persevere. 

Keep.the.faith.